The Moment Of Truth
by loobeyloo
Summary: Things come to a head between Hawke and Caitlin after the events of Desperate Monday.


_The Moment Of Truth is an original story, inspired by the U.S. T.V. series AIRWOLF. Copyright 2008. This refers to the author of this original material, and is not meant to supersede any copyrights held by Donald P Bellisario or any other persons or corporations holding rights to the television series AIRWOLF and its characters._

_**Set after the events of Desperate Monday, things finally come to a head between Hawke and Caitlin.**_

_**The Moment Of Truth.**_

_**February, 1986**__**.**_

_**Stringfellow Hawke's Cabin, Eagle Lake, California.**_

_**Late evening.**_

Stringfellow Hawke moved around the cabin quietly, collecting empty coffee cups and wine glasses and taking them to the sink in the small kitchen nook, smiling softly to himself as Dominic Santini's gentle snores punctuated the silence, now that the soft, mellow back ground music that Hawke had put on over dinner had finished.

His old friend was dozing, lulled into slumber by a combination of a pleasant dinner, the comforting warmth of the open log fire crackling and spitting soothingly in the wide stone fireplace, and the half decent bottle of white wine Hawke had opened to go with their meal of trout, freshly caught from the lake.

As soon as Dominic had sat down on the couch and rested his head back, he had been fighting a loosing battle to keep his eyes open, and once Caitlin had excused herself to step outside to get some air, Dominic had relaxed back in his seat with a contented sigh, long legs stretched out before him and crossed at the ankles, and it hadn't taken long for him to nod off.

It had been a difficult day for all of them.

_**Difficult**_ ….

_**Man, that didn't even come close t**__**o describing it! **_

Hawke found him self thinking cynically, as he slowly ran hot water into the sink and carefully placed the crystal wine glasses in to the resulting foam.

As he pulled his hand out of the hot suds, Stringfellow Hawke was deeply shocked to see that it was trembling slightly.

_**Difficult ….**_

_**Yeah.**_

_**Try shocking ….**_

_**Or terrifying ….**_

_**Just another ordinary day in the life of ….**_

Hawke raised his eyes from the sink full of dishes and suds and gazed out of the kitchen window into the inky darkness beyond, and listening to Dominic Santini's heavy, rhythmical breathing, he realized just how weary he was too.

_**You're tired. **_

He reasoned silently.

_**Things **_will_** look better in the morning.**_

He told himself sternly, yet at the same time he could not help recalling that he had been having this same silent debate with himself for a long time now.

Today had been different in so much as it hadn't quite been business as usual, but it still ranked up there along side some of the hardest days he'd had to endure in his thirty six years to date.

How many more days like this one could they survive?

How many more days like today could _**he**_survive?

If he was honest, Hawke reflected as he picked up a towel and roughly dried his hands, it wasn't just today.

Or even this week.

One way or another it had been a pretty rough few months.

_**Oh hell, who was he**__** kidding, thus far it had been one helluva year!**_

Setting aside the towel and moving to lean back against the counter, Hawke gave a gentle sigh and closed his eyes briefly, then opened them again, a ghost of a smile touching his lips as his gaze once again settled on Dominic Santini's slumbering form and Tet, Hawke's faithful old blue tick hound, stretched out in front of the hearth, head down, graying chin resting on his crossed front paws, peaceful and content.

As Stringfellow Hawke's gaze was drawn to and finally settled on the flickering, dancing, soft yellow flames, he grew solemn as he reflected on the past few months.

It had all started with that John Bradford Horn business.

The Santini Air team had quickly learned that there was nothing that _**that**_ man would not resort to, to get what he wanted, no lengths that he would not go to, whatever the cost, to achieve his goal.

Possessing Airwolf.

Horn would stop at nothing, use whatever dastardly and underhand tactics he had to, even his own daughter, and whilst they had eventually all come out of it, all three of them still bore the mental and emotional scars of that incident and probably would for a very long time to come.

Next had come the business with Harlan 'Tex' Jenkins and Redwolf, an improved and slightly upgraded version of Airwolf, and then that other terrible business with Cait and Ken Sawyer.

Oh there had been other stuff in between, things that hadn't been quite so personal or harrowing, lighter moments and days filled with laughter and satisfaction, but despite the fact that he tried not to dwell too deeply on it, Hawke was beginning to see a pattern developing.

It was something that he had briefly considered when he had chosen to take this particular path two years ago, but, if he were honest, back then it hadn't been quite so troubling.

Hawke had known that there would be people who would want to take Airwolf away from him, and that they would be prepared to go to any extremes to get what they wanted.

Hawke had known from the start that he was making himself a target, but he was prepared to accept that risk. For him, keeping control of Airwolf was simply a means to an end, a bargaining chip with which to force Archangel and The Firm to actively pursue information on his older brother, St John Hawke's, whereabouts.

Hawke had also known that he would make enemies along the way, but none of that had mattered to him.

Only finding St John mattered.

Now, two years down the pike, he was no closer to finding out what had happened to his beloved brother, and it was no longer just his life at risk.

The stakes had changed too, and it wasn't just his countries traditional enemies who wanted the magnificent Mach 1 super helicopter for themselves, but greedy, cold blooded criminals too.

Determined, conscienceless, ruthless people targeting and using the people that Stringfellow Hawke cared about and loved to get to him, and therefore get what they wanted.

Dominic.

Caitlin.

Especially Caitlin.

These two extraordinary people were Hawke's strength ….

But this past few months had also proved to him that they were his deepest vulnerabilities.

Both of them could be used against him, simply because they were close to him.

His friends ….

His family.

John Bradford Horn had used Hawke's love for the older man, and Santini's love for Hawke to persuade Dominic to bring Airwolf out to a remote location. He had counted on that love and trust to manipulate Dominic Santini, relied on the strength of their bond, confident that Santini would exchange the Mach 1 super helicopter for his surrogate son.

Unbeknownst to Santini, Horn had used drugs and brain washing techniques to convince Hawke that it was he, Horn, whom Hawke considered to be a father figure and to prove that his technique had worked, Horn had played on that new found bond of love and loyalty to test Hawke, the end result of which had been that Stringfellow Hawke had calmly, and with a smile on his face, shot Dominic Santini, in cold blood ….

Fortunately the weapon had been loaded with tranquilizer drugs, not bullets, but even now, all these months on, Hawke still felt guilty and ashamed that he had actually been able to face his surrogate father, with a smile on his face, and without hesitation, compulsion or regret, simply pull the trigger.

It wasn't just his feelings for Dominic that could be used against him.

Harlan Jenkins had used Caitlin, kidnapping her and holding her against her will to lure him out into the open, and into a dog fight, arrogantly challenging both Hawke's flying skills and Airwolf's unique attributes.

Ken Sawyer had used Caitlin too, charmed her and courted her, lulled her into believing that he cared for her, then seduced her, and then he had callously strapped a bomb to her ….

And for what?

Money.

A cool ten million dollars ….

A shiver ran the whole length of Hawke's spine as he recalled that terrible day three months ago, when Sawyer had smugly informed him that Caitlin was sitting on a bomb that was electronically modified so that it could not be defused, and Stringfellow Hawke had finally come face to face with the very real possibility that she might be killed.

Now, here he was again, after another day when Cait's life had been in jeopardy, although, for once, it had had nothing to do with him, or Cait's involvement with Airwolf.

A nice, quiet little reunion with friends from her sorority, on board the Queen Mary had turned into an armed siege.

A wealthy old friend of Caitlin's, had been targeted as the victim of a kidnapping, by her own boyfriend, but things had gone awry and he and his brother had ended up holding the entire sorority hostage aboard the stately old liner.

Today, Hawke and Santini had taken matters into their own hands, deciding to involve themselves in the plan to free the hostages, because 'their girl' had been one of those hostages and they did not trust anyone else to get the job done without injury, or worse yet, someone getting killed.

When he and Caitlin had walked away, leaving behind one dead man and another heading to jail for a very long time, Hawke had known that he was going to have to do some serious thinking about the future.

About his feelings for Cait.

Stringfellow Hawke had known for some time that Caitlin O'Shannessy loved him.

It wasn't conceit.

And he wasn't blind either.

She had made her feelings clear on more than one occasion, whether she actually knew it or not.

At first, when Caitlin had turned up at the Santini Air Hangar almost eighteen months ago, Hawke had been torn between whether she had made the trip from Pope County Texas, because of him, or because of his monster, kick ass black and white helicopter.

Hawke had found that he hadn't really cared why she was here, but he had been genuinely surprised at the time, by just how pleased he was to see her again.

There had been something about her, right from the start.

Tall, slender, with intelligent blue grey eyes and flame red hair, she had the most breath taking smile and had shown that she was gutsy and feisty, loyal and sweet, sexy and sassy, affectionate and understanding, as well as charming and gentle, fiercely protective, if a little scatter brained now and again, but enchanting and endearing nevertheless, with her Texan wit and gumption and common season.

She was also a damned fine pilot, and someone that Stringfellow Hawke had quickly learned that he could rely on to back him up when he was in a tight spot.

All in all, Caitlin O'Shannessy was a delectable little package that only a man with a heart of stone could ignore.

A man like Stringfellow Hawke.

Except, of course, over the last year and a half, Caitlin had proved to him in so many ways that he was not a man with a heart of stone after all.

Somehow, Caitlin had made herself indispensable at Santini Air, quickly winning Dominic Santini's heart and even Hawke himself had had to admit that pretty soon he had found that he couldn't recall a time when she hadn't been around.

She had made a home for herself in their affections, and had proved over and over that she was a damned good friend.

As time had gone on, Hawke had suspected that her feelings for him went a little deeper than just friendship.

They kidded around at the hangar, teased each other and tormented each other, like a big brother and kid sister, but there had been times when Hawke had caught her looking at him, and had suspected that she was seeing him as anything other than a big brother.

It had been hard for him, but he hadn't encouraged her.

He cared for her, he couldn't deny it, but not in the way that he suspected that Caitlin wanted or needed.

She already had more than enough siblings. She didn't need another brother.

Hawke had already made up his mind that he was never going to get involved with a woman that he worked with again.

He was never going to get seriously involved with a woman again, period.

It was just too tough.

Especially after Gabrielle.

And yet ….

Caitlin had never made her interest in him blatantly obvious, just subtle little smiles and looks ….

Always pleasant, always charming, ready to lend a shoulder if he needed one, willing to listen, always supportive and never judgmental.

But her eyes always gave her away.

Sometimes, the longing and the hunger he saw there took his breath away.

Still he had not encouraged her.

Caitlin deserved so much more than he could ever give her and he had no desire to spoil their pleasant working relationship.

He liked things exactly the way that they were.

No one would get hurt that way.

However, by the time she had reluctantly made the trip back to Texas for a family wedding, and the plane carrying her had crashed into the ocean, Caitlin had become so dear to both himself and Dominic Santini, they would have moved heaven and earth to find her and bring her home safely.

It had been then that Hawke had begun to suspect that his own feelings for Caitlin were not quite as cut and dried as he had first imagined.

After Caitlin had been rescued and life had gone back to normal, Dominic had dropped a less than subtle hint about the two of them getting together, and although neither of them had responded, Hawke had seen the undeniable hunger in her eyes when she had looked at him.

There was no denying that Caitlin was a special lady, and that yes, he had feelings for her, but Hawke knew that she would not be satisfied with just simple friendship and brotherly affection, so he had backed off, the pain and disappointment he could see in her eyes tearing at his heart, knowing that his withdrawal, his cold insensitivity, was both hurtful and confusing for her, but also sure that it was the right thing, for both of them, and he had had to watch, with a heavy heart as inevitably, Caitlin had turned her affections towards other men.

Hawke couldn't blame her.

She was a beautiful young woman full of love and laughter and life and she deserved to share her life with someone who really cared for her and could give her everything that she wanted in life, a secure future and a family.

Hawke knew that he had been guilty of doing the same thing, but for an entirely different reason. He had begun turning to woman he knew would be safe and whom would not even come close to penetrating the ice around his heart, knowing even as he did so that it was hurting Cait, but, he had silently reasoned to himself that a little hurt now was much better for her than a great deal of pain and heartache later.

And so he and Cait had gone on as they had before.

It was for the best.

When Cait had gotten more involved in Airwolf's missions for the Firm, Hawke had known that he had made the right decision.

The danger was very real and the threat to their lives constant.

He knew that if he had allowed himself to develop the ever growing tender feelings that he had for Caitlin, it would make it so much more difficult for them to work together, for he would not be able to do his job, and worry if he could protect her or not.

It was hard enough to live with the knowledge that he was placing Dominic in danger, but if anything had happened to Caitlin ….

Then John Bradford Horn had come along.

Caitlin had been the only one who could come to his and Dominic's rescue, and she had been given a special antidote to the drugs used on Hawke to conduct the brainwashing sessions, but had been warned by Archangel that there was a very real danger that if she used it on Hawke, it could kill him.

Even knowing that, Cait had done what needed to be done and had had to stand by and watch, helpless, as Hawke had suffered what looked to be a very real heart attack.

When Hawke had come around, finding Caitlin with her head resting against his chest, he had been able to see the terror and the grief written all over her tear streaked face, knowing that she believed that he really was dead.

Caitlin had not been able to disguise her true feelings, and for once, despite his own horror and grief and confusion, Hawke had clearly been able to see the love that she felt for him, shining in her eyes, and had felt it in the warmth and tenderness of her arms, and he knew that from that point on, he could no longer deny how Caitlin felt for him.

He should have said something back then, but he had been too cowardly, too shaken by the violation he had suffered at the hands of Horn and his daughter, Angelica, and so he had allowed things to go back to the way that they had been.

Had hoped to restore the equilibrium, the status quo ….

Except, of course, they hadn't.

Caitlin loved him.

He knew it now and could not get away from the truth of it.

And he loved her too, but he also knew that there was no way that he could ever let Caitlin know how he really felt.

He would not allow himself to give her even the slightest hope, for it would be a false one.

There was no future for them, what ever way he looked at it, and he had told himself that it was kinder to let her down gently, to allow her to believe that he was a dumb, clumsy, blind idiot who couldn't see what was happening right under his nose.

_**Poor Cait.**_

It had been hard on her, but she had obviously gotten the message at last, for she too had backed off, cooled toward him, especially after he had suddenly found himself having very strong feelings for Inge, the young Czech woman he had helped to defect to the US a few months back.

The strength of his feelings for Inge had taken him completely by surprise and he had not been able to conceal it, even to spare Caitlin's feelings.

Caitlin had obviously been deeply hurt and disappointed, and that was how Ken Sawyer had been able to take advantage of her.

When Hawke had heard his despicable plan, realized the real danger that Cait was in, he had been forced to once again examine his true feelings for her.

Deny it all he might, fight against it with all his will power, in the split second he had watched Sawyer arm his deadly bomb, Hawke had finally accepted the truth.

He loved Caitlin O'Shannessy.

He had finally admitted it to himself when he had seen Archangel escorting her away from Ken Sawyer's boat, where she had been strapped to that bomb, looking dirty, bedraggled and visibly shocked, and he had seen the relief and the love in her eyes as she had spotted him and Dominic.

He had felt the familiar tightening of his guts and his heart had leapt in his chest as he had willingly accepted her embrace, her brief sweet kiss to his lips, wanting to fold her into his arms and never let her go, to keep her close to him for the rest of their lives so that no harm could ever befall her again.

And then he had remembered that it was because of him that she had been in harm's way in the first place.

He had created the situation, with his refusal to acknowledge the way that she felt about him, his refusal to address the situation at all, to set her straight, leaving her with no choice but to turn her attentions elsewhere, forcing her into the arms of another man and that had left her vulnerable.

Hawke knew that so long as Cait remained close to him, she would always be in harm's way.

There were, however, to his way of thinking, different degrees of harm.

As long as it was in the line of duty, flying a mission in Airwolf, then Hawke knew that he would be able to deal with any danger that came Cait's way.

She knew the risks and was willing to take them, the same as Dominic and himself.

Caitlin was part of the team and she was more than aware that some times, that meant risking her own neck to save the lives of her colleagues. It went with the territory and it was a choice that she consciously made every time she donned the flight suit and joined him and Dom in Airwolf's cockpit.

If Caitlin died in the line of duty, Hawke knew that it would be hard on him and Dominic Santini, but her death under those circumstances would at least have meaning.

However, if she became embroiled in something outside of that, simply because she was his friend and could be used as a way to get to him, Stringfellow Hawke knew that he would not be able to reconcile himself, should anything happen to Cait.

It was one thing to die for a cause, or fighting for something that you believed passionately about, but to lose your life simply because you loved someone, and they loved you ….

It was just too high a price to pay.

Keeping her at arms length, kept Caitlin O'Shannessy safe.

How much greater would the threat to her life be, if his enemies knew just how deeply he cared for her and that they could use that to their own ends?

Hawke closed his eyes and gave a huge, shoulder raising sigh.

_**Who was he trying to kid?**_

That was only part of the reason for keeping Caitlin at arms length.

He called to mind again the look on Cait's face when he she had seen that he was the one flying the helicopter transporting the hostages away from the Queen Mary, the relief, the trust, the love ….

Recalled again the tension in the pit of his stomach and the way his heart had fluttered against his ribs like a caged bird when he had realized that Cait was safe and he had finally accepted that involved with him or no, Caitlin had her life to live, and that she was fated to meet some dangers, with or without his assistance.

When all the hoo-hah had died down and Caitlin had completed the formalities with the different authorities involved in today's crisis, including a trip to the hospital to make sure that there were no long lasting effects from the shock and trauma, she had still looked very pale and shocked and at first had declined Hawke's invitation to dinner and to spend the night up at the cabin, but when both he and Dominic had insisted that she should not be alone, she had finally acquiesced, with a gentle, loving smile.

It was, after all, what they did.

After a particularly grueling mission, when emotions were running high and they were all very much aware of their vulnerabilities and their own mortality, the three of them spent time together at Hawke's beautiful mountain lakeside retreat, regrouping, surrounded by the peace and tranquility of nature, relaxing, reflecting, and drawing strength and comfort from each other's company.

Sometimes they didn't even need to talk. It was enough just to be together.

Like family.

As he had worked to prepare dinner, Hawke had watched Caitlin and Dominic, sitting quietly in front of the fire, sometimes talking, sometimes not, Dominic with his long arm draped around Cait's narrow shoulders, tucking her in close beside him. Caitlin had gratefully subsided into Dom's embrace, her head resting gently against his solid chest.

There had been tears.

Not loud, angry, hysterics, but soft, silent, cleansing tears, and when they were over, Hawke had to admit that she looked a little better.

Caitlin had been quiet throughout dinner, eating little and only taking the occasional sip of her wine, and Hawke had watched her, surreptitiously, anxious that she might still be suffering the effects of shock, and the more he watched, the more he began to realize that there was something different about her, like a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and there was something else too, but he couldn't put his finger on what, exactly, and then she had excused herself, pleading the need for a little fresh air, and although he and Dominic had shared a concerned look over Cait's head, both had understood her need for a little solitude, a moment alone.

Now, Hawke realized that she had been gone for some considerable while, and that she hadn't even taken a coat with her. She was probably freezing by now.

With a gentle sigh, Hawke pushed off from the counter and walked on long, silent strides across the large open space that made up the living area of the cabin, not wanting to disturb Dominic.

Tet made to rise, his instinct to follow his master, but Hawke shook his head gently, and the mutt sank back down in front of the fire with a loud, jaw snapping yawn, resuming his guard over the slumbering Dominic Santini.

As he reached the front door, Hawke stopped and took down his leather flying jacket from the peg then opened the door and stepped out onto the wooden porch.

It was a beautifully clear night, a huge, brilliantly white full moon filled the heavens, casting an eerie silver light over the mountains and the lake and millions of stars twinkled brightly in a cloudless inky canopy.

It was cold too.

Hawke watched as his breath plumed in a puff of vapor and he shivered as he felt the stiff breeze caress his face and lift his hair.

He stepped off the porch and a lone owl hooted softly in greeting as he set off in search of Caitlin O'Shannessy.

Hawke knew that Caitlin would not have strayed too far away from the light of the cabin, all too aware of the dangers that lurked in the surrounding woodland, of nocturnal creatures, and putting your foot down a rabbit hole, but when he did not immediately see her, he set off down the moonlit path, toward the lake.

Hawke was puzzled when he did not find Caitlin at the jetty, assuming that she had taken refuge from the bitter breeze in the patriotically painted Bell Jet Ranger Santini Air chopper, but then he saw her, her slender frame silhouetted against the moonlight and the mountain, standing on the beach a few yards further down the shoreline, staring out at the gentle ripples on the surface of the lake.

"Cait?" He called out softly, not wanting to startle her as he came up behind her. She was standing so still, a far away expression on her lovely face, which was glistening in the moonlight, and he again felt his heart constrict in his chest as he realized that she was crying.

"Here …." He approached her slowly, coming up behind her to drape the leather jacket around her shoulders. "You'll catch your death …." He mumbled, shocked by the depth emotion he could now see in her pale face as she brought her hands up and dashed away her tears. "Come back inside …." He coaxed. "I'll put on some fresh coffee …."

"Hawke …."

Something in her voice stilled him and he took a step closer, gazing into her tear filled grey eyes, then suddenly unable to stop himself, acting purely on instinct, Stringfellow Hawke found himself reaching out to Caitlin and wrapping his arms protectively and possessively around her, he drew her close, their faces slowly coming closer and closer, until at last, his lips met hers.

Almost immediately, Hawke felt Caitlin relax, all the tension draining from her and she gave a soft little whimper of pleasure as her lips responded gently to his, and then her hand came up, cupping the back of his head as she drew him closer.

It was Caitlin who broke the kiss, pulling back from him slowly, eyes closed, tears slipping from between her lashes and a sad little expression on her face, and although she covered it well, pinning a false smile on to her beautiful lips, Hawke knew that he had been a disappointment for her.

"Cait …." He stammered, wishing that he knew what was going on behind those tear filled grey eyes, that he could say something to take that strange expression off her face, but instinctively Hawke knew that whatever he said at that moment, whatever he did, it would only make matters worse.

Cait took a small step back and reached out with a trembling hand to caress his cheek, and now the smile on her lips became a little more genuine.

"Thank you for today …. For tonight …." Her voice was low, soft, as she used her thumb to gently stroke his strong, chiseled jaw. "Hawke and Santini to the rescue again. I'm real lucky to have friends like you and Dom."

"Cait …."

"Hawke, there's something I need to tell you …."

Hawke gave a gentle sigh as she continued to stroke his cheek now, fearing that he knew what she was going to say, and wishing that she would not, praying that she would not embarrass both of them.

"Something that I probably should have said a long time ago …."

"Cait …. Please …. Don't …."

She dropped her hand now and took another step back from him, then turned away and drew in deep breath before turning back to face him, and now Hawke could again see that odd expression on her face, a mixture of relief and resignation, and he frowned at her.

"I love you …." She whispered softly.

"Oh Cait …." Hawke breathed, dropping his head quickly, not wanting her to see the less than joyful expression on his face at her declaration, once again knowing that whatever he said or did, he would hurt and disappoint her.

"No Hawke, listen, please …." She moved back toward him reaching out with her hand now to raise his chin, lifting his face so she could see his face.

"Let me do this …." She implored, and he heard something in her voice that told him that it had taken her a great deal of courage and a very long time to get to this point. "Please, just let me …. Its time to set things straight …."

Hawke nodded.

He knew that she was right.

The time had come to be honest and open.

"I love you," Cait said again on another long, ragged breath. "I have loved you for a very long time, Hawke, and I won't lie to you, I had hoped that maybe well, in time, you well, that you might feel something for me too. I've been waiting, tearing my hair out and making myself miserable, waiting for you to give me a hint, torturing myself …. And now I know what an idiot I've been …."

"Cait …."

"No Hawke, let me finish …." She beseeched, tears welling up in her eyes, glistening in the bright moonlight, but there was a something about her expression that stilled Hawke, and he nodded gently.

Caitlin lowered her head, just for a moment and emitted an audible hiss of breath before raising her head and fixing her steady gaze on Stringfellow Hawke's handsome face.

"I've been a blind fool. You've been showing me how you feel all along. You show me every day. You're a wonderful friend, Hawke, and I know that I would be dead twice over if it wasn't for you …."

Her voice caught in her throat and she lowered her head, briefly, once more and Hawke again felt his heart flip-flop in his chest, but made no effort to try to interrupt her. He knew just how much courage it had taken for her to speak out.

Evidently more courage than he possessed.

"And I know that I made a mistake …."

"What?" The word was out before he could stop himself, a frown tugging at his brow now, because it was not what he had been expecting to hear from her.

"I confused loving you with being in love with you," Cait confessed on a ragged breath. "For such a long time I thought that I was _**in love**_ with you, and it hurt so damned much when I saw you with another woman. It tore me apart, wanting something that I couldn't have, wanting it so badly, I couldn't think straight, but then I saw how you felt about Inge, and I hated myself for being so jealous because I just knew that you would never look at me that way, that you could never feel anything like that for me, and then I met Ken …. And …. Oh hell, I know I was stupid to fall for his charm, but I'm only human, and if I couldn't have you, then …."

The words came tumbling from her lips, her eyes boring into him, begging him to hear her out and to try to understand what she was saying, knowing that she was probably rambling, but that she had to get it all out in the open where they could deal with it before Hawke got so embarrassed that he turned tail and rushed off into the night.

She didn't want this hanging between them any longer. It was suffocating their friendship, and she needed him to know the truth, no matter how painful.

Stringfellow Hawke stood rooted to the spot, his heart constricting in his chest as he saw the agony in her eyes as she continued to pour out her heart to him.

"And then you came to my rescue again, and I finally realized that I had had it all wrong all along. I know that you do love me, in your own special way, but you're not _**in love**_ with me …." She paused, very briefly, to draw in a quick breath. "I know the difference now."

"I'm so sorry, Cait …." Hawke hissed through clenched teeth, unable to deny what she was saying.

He did love her.

But she was right.

He had known for some time that he wasn't in love with her.

Maybe he was the stupid blind fool, after all she was everything that any man could possibly want, but no matter how close they were, he simply did not feel _**that**_ way about her.

She was also right about them setting the record straight.

He felt so bad that she had spent all this time hoping, waiting for him to show some sign that he returned her feelings, when she should have been out there looking for someone who would really love her, in the way that she needed to be loved, in the way that she deserved to be loved, someone who could give her a rich, full, happy life, home, hearth and kids, and if he had been honest with her in the beginning, then she might have found that someone by now.

"I do love you …." Hawke confessed on another ragged breath. "I love you in so many different ways. More than a sister, so much more than just a friend …. But you're right, Cait, I'm not _**in **_love with you …"

Hawke allowed his voice to trail away, leaving the rest of what was on his mind unsaid, praying that Caitlin would work it out for herself, that that situation would never change and that he did not want her to spend the rest of her life waiting for him to change his mind, putting off allowing herself to find happiness with someone else in the vain hope that one day he would realize his error, and that he could not live his life without her at his side.

"It's ok, Hawke …. Really. What we have is special. It's more important to me than anything. I would much rather have your trust and your friendship, because those things last. I know that you love me, that you care about me, that you would go through hell and high water to protect me …. And I would do the same for you, but I realized a while ago that I couldn't _**make**_ you fall in love with me, and that if you really were in love with me, it would change things between us …. Maybe not for the better. That's just the way it is."

Caitlin gave his hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze now, her expression softening just a little, the corner of her mouth rising slightly in a soft, wistful smile.

"If you did care for me in that way, I know it would make things more difficult, us working together, flying missions together. You wouldn't be able to do your job, for worrying over me, and I would never be able to live with myself if something happened to you because you were trying to protect me …."

_**But wasn't that what he did anyway?**_Hawke thought silently to himself.

_**Didn't he always try to place himself between danger and those people that he loved?**_

The main difference, Hawke knew, if he really was in love with Caitlin, was, that if something happened to her, he would not be able to make himself leave her behind so that he could fulfill his duty, and that would place both himself and Dominic Santini in even greater danger themselves, and Caitlin, he felt sure, would not want that.

As things stood right now, there was no commitment between them, nothing that tied them together, and if push came to shove, they could each protect their own lives at the cost of the other without there being any recriminations or accusations.

If there ever came a time when one had to sacrifice the other, it would not be easy, but as things stood right now, they could each make themselves do it. If they were lovers, or they became a couple, that would become impossible.

Caitlin O'Shannessy watched the myriad of emotions running across Hawke's face and thought she knew what was going in behind those inscrutable blue eyes.

He was thinking about all the things that she too had thought about before making this grand little speech, about the implications of their relationship developing into something stronger and deeper and far more intimate than it was at the moment, and what that would mean to them as a team, working together for The Firm, flying Airwolf missions, and that he had reached the same conclusions that she had.

It had to be one or the other.

They could not have both and live with themselves, should something catastrophic happen.

And the truth was, that no matter how much they cared for each other, neither of them could give up that aspect of their lives.

It was the strongest excuse they had for being in each other's lives.

"I like things the way they are, Hawke. I wouldn't want to do anything to change that," Cait told him in a soft voice. "And I don't want to go on each day pretending that I don't have any feelings for you, hiding my true self and what I feel. There's nothing wrong with the way I feel for you, Hawke, and I hope I won't have to stop demonstrating those feelings, now and again, because they are honest, Hawke …" She gave his hand a gentle tug, ensuring that his eyes remained fixed on her face.

"And I don't want you to hide the way you feel either. I won't take it as a marriage proposal, if you hug me or kiss me now and again …. Honest …." The smile grew wider; her eyes sparkling with amusement now, not sorrow.

"You know that I will always be there for you, don't you Hawke? No matter how foolish or crazy or dangerous …. I will always be there for you …."

"I know, and I will always be there for you too, Cait," Hawke vowed in a gruff voice, marveling at her courage and admiring her honesty and strength.

"Yes, Hawke. I know," she slipped her arm around his waist and drawing close rested her cheek against his shoulder, emitting a soft, contented sigh. "And I want you to make me a promise …."

She turned her head slightly to gaze up into his familiar, handsome face.

"I know that you would die for me Hawke, but I want you to promise that you will try to live a little more. Let me show you how, as a friend …. Please?"

Stringfellow Hawke found himself gazing down into her beautiful, loving face and he felt his heart swell with love and pride.

She was an incredible woman, brave and strong and honest, and he was fortunate indeed that she cared for him in such positive and life enhancing way, making no demands on him other than he open himself up to the world and the endless possibilities that awaited him.

"Hawke?"

"You got it …."

Caitlin O'Shannessy snuggled up closer to Hawke, giving him a brief squeeze, then with a soft sigh, reluctantly pulled her self away from his strong, warm body.

"You said something about coffee?" She reminded him as he watched a shiver run down her slender frame now, and he realized that she must be freezing, despite having his leather jacket slung around her shoulders.

"I recall mentioning something about it …." Hawke grinned as Caitlin reached out for his hand once more and he felt her cool fingers close around his. "And Dom and Tet will be wondering what happened to us …." He took a step toward her, slipping his free arm around her waist as they began to walk back toward the cabin.

"You're kidding me, right?" There was an incredulous note in Caitlin's voice now, her tone implying that she knew full well that both Santini and the dog would be raising the cabin's roof with their snores, and now Hawke found himself chuckling too, a sense of relief flooding through him, and enormous gratitude that Cait had taken the bull by the horns and set the record straight, so that they could both move on. He wasn't sure that he would ever have been able to have broached the subject with her, fearful of hurting her and alienating her forever.

"Did you hear the latest piece of craziness?" Cait continued to ramble on about the latest stunt that Dominic Santini had been asked to create for a major studio, and Stringfellow Hawke was contented to just listen to her voice as they slowly made their way back to the cabin, knowing that no matter how crazy and complicated the rest of his life might be, his love and friendship for Caitlin O'Shannessy would always be simple and fulfilling and something that he could count on no matter what, and he knew that he was truly blessed.


End file.
